count the shadows

studied til seven in school again. im beginning to like studying now, weirdly. takes my mind off empty spaces in my time. so alone, lone. the library is a nice place. not quiet, and not warm. but it gives me books, with words in them- so few of them nowadays. spoken, i mean. oh yeah and i got myself stuck in the toilet for like almost a minute. haha. my bag strap got caught in the door groove, so i couldnt bang the door open. contemplating calling hannah for help, but instead i prayed. haha. quite comical thinking about it. Lord, pls help me get out. another heave and the door jerked free.
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walked to the 165 busstop with hannah. the road signs keep us entertained. like [Merge] and we walk toward the road. or [ ! ] and we gasp. stupid things, like little rewards, brainless relief from a clogged up brainday. everyday is a brainday. am i making sense?
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chanced upon the word Scianmachy in the dictionary. apt. a futile fight with shadows or imagination. i feel like that sometimes. missed the last shuttle bus today, so i took 105 two stops and walked in. it was dark, and at first i peered behind me a few times to check for spookys. or just somebody (spookiers.) no one. stared at my shadow cast by the lampposts and wondered at how smooth and dark shadows are. they glide even though i walk. they stretch and take on the grainy surface of the pavement. then i started singing to myself. haha. i remember looking up at the sky, the discoloured clouds, and feeling so unrestricted. and happy. i do that often. but not often enough, buildings cage up, you know? aircon keeps you from the outdoors, ceilings from the sky, fans from fresh air. i long for something, some- taint, of- what?
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a taste of God.

x.

scianmachist.