death of a friendship

Death of a Friendship- Harry Guest.

I mourn, now that your house contains
such fractured shadows.
This wine you've handed metastes sour.
I joke and you do not laugh.
When you speak, assuming my approval,
I stare into discoloured
depths of my glass, longing
to get away.

Rain drives against your walls.
The few
shrubs you have planted shrink in the cold.
Where there was amity, questions
echo between us.
Tufts of dark
lilac branching from tall vases shed
minute dry flowers like grief
for a lost fragrance, leave
on the smooth piano scattered omens
neither of us can read.

The past is empty of romance,
its summers flecked with heartbreak
and its negatives destroyed-.
But weren't there moments when
the blue sea glittered, when the lithe
curve of a diver forged another
link between wave and cloud?
I wonder, though, in fear
were those young grinning faces always
plague-marred, was the fun a lie,
were dreams we've jettisoned
mere husks about this dirt,
dislike? One fiction may
have replaced another for
wherever I look with you I find,
instead of light, a slyness.

We could not name the truth.
What used to braglies in your cupboard under lock and key.
You care no more
for angels or the underdog,
translating all the terms we used
into intolerance.
Your world
now clusters round
the emulation of the rich.

I can't feel glad about old times
because I am afraid
that what I see here I suspected then
but shunned the knowing.
The tarnish of this has rubbed off on me.
The years we shared look counterfeit.
If so,
more than affection died today.
What hurts perhaps the most
is that in you as in a mirror shows
not only what I could have been
but what I was or am.

the ability of a poem is to speak from the vacuum, what is most absently apt.

lodged in a peopled 20th century

Lodged- Robert Frost.

The rain to the wind said,"You push and I'll pelt.
"They so smote the garden bed
That the flowers actually knelt,
And lay lodged -- though not dead.
I know how the flowers felt.

Five Ways to Kill a Man- Edwin Brock.

There are many cumbersome ways to kill a man.
You can make him carry a plank of wood
To the top of a hill and nail him to it.
To do thisProperly you require a crowd of people
Wearing sandals, a cock that crows, a cloak
To dissect, a sponge, some vinegar and one
Man to hammer the nails home.

Or you can take a length of steel,
Shaped and chased in a traditional way
And attempt to pierce the metal cage he wears.
But for this you need white horses,
English trees, men with bows and arrows,
At least two flags, a prince and a
Castle to hold your banquet in.

Dispensing with nobility, you may, if the wind
Allows, blow gas at him.
But then you need
A mile of mud sliced through with ditches,
Not to mention black boots, bomb craters,
More mud, a plague of rats, a dozen songs
And some round hats made of steel.

In an age of aeroplanes, you may fly
Miles above your victim and dispose of him by
Pressing one small switch.
All you then
Require is an ocean to separate you, two
Systems of government, a nation's scientists,
Several factories, a psychopath and
Land that no one needs for several years.

These are, as I began, cumbersome ways
To kill a man.
Simpler, direct, and much more neat
Is to see that he lives somewhere in the middle
Of the twentieth century, and leave him there.

a homage to the history now reduced to a syllabus, and taught to armless children who were unparented.
Oh, their small bones.

carouse.l

woot. its 2:13 am on my computer clock. just finished a mellim antony & cleopatra essay. they suck the life from me, essays. from us all. promos is in a week and 3 days. its timely for a panic attack, dont u think? but my reaction to such things are always delayed. hmm. i have to study! come on. (trying very hard to psyche myself up here) think of all the things u can do after promos once u do well!!.. heh maybe going abit offtrack here. been studying in school til the evenings. its so much better, i think. than sitting at home and reaching for the fridge or the tv or the computer or the bed or the..everything else. in the canteen, its just the vending machine and occasionally the stalls. good enough. its sir's birthday tmr (: sirthday. ah, we made him a card in the shape of a phone. cos last time in ghim moh he saw our phones, den he looked at his nokia 3310, den he sighed profoundly and dramatically. 'eh. teachers' day coming. get new phone ah.' haha. oh i miss hockey. there're many things that make me sick just thinking about them.. like meetings and explanations and essays. groan. but not cca, at the moment. and the carousel jerk-revolves round and around, like bullets darting off pistols into the screaming metal air.

Heimweh

FAR-OFF the lily-statues stand white-ranked in the garden at home.
Would God they were shattered quickly, the cattle would tread them out in the loam.
I wish the elder trees in flower could suddenly heave, and burst
The walls of the house, and nettles puff out from the hearth at which I was nursed.

It stands so still in the hush composed of trees and inviolate peace,
The home of my fathers, the place that is mine, my fate and my old increase.
And now that the skies are falling, the world is spouting in fountains of dirt,
I would give my soul for the homestead to fall with me, go with me, both in one hurt.

Heimweh, DH Lawrence, ah chaotic inactivity. i like the second verse. move,burst,. implode.!

drift and other things.

hello! this is what auden's tombstone reads: In the prison of his days/ Teach the free man how to praise.
this italics thing is going crazy. only if i italic everything the words appear upright. huh. today's a vague gray vanguard sheet that i need to pencil in. the last part is youth service, but til now and then.. i;m just drifting along. pointlessly?

The roses with the west wind rapping
Are torn away, and a splash
Of red goes down the billowing air.
a lovely excerpt from DH Lawrence's Love Storm. kinda corny title though, i must say.

lit's perfect for this sorta roamy listless feeling.. cos they can put things into words so succinctly, without all the frissles. not that i really experience what they're professing in verse, ah at least they can articulate what i never could if i did.

But when your countenance filled up his line,Then lacked I matter; that enfeebled mine.-86. shakespeare.

double everything

today is thursday and that says everything. thursdays are the days of 4 hours of lit- lecture and 2 double block tutorials for purvis n bachelor both to take the floor and wish for the door. just get the idea we bore them so much they just wanna bolt soon as they step in. esp bachelor. guess the feeling's mutual.. even though.. he's a really nice guy :) its just that we dont answer questions. my class has some dynamics malfunction. like we're afraid of each other. we're afraid to voice our thoughts to purvis cos he's so authoritative n commands so much respect, his standards seem so easy to flout and so out of grasp. n we dont want to say anything stupid. and bachelor asks really basic questions like what is the meaning of undid and noone really wants to answer cos it seems so obvious. pride. n we still dont want to say anything stupid.

he really is disappointed with our class' response (nil) and purvis told 1A: mr bachelor is really pleased with your (1a's) performance! well abt 1B..*dark chuckle* lets not get bitchy here.

to go or not to go? tmr shld i stay in sch to mug or go to bk with the hockers for mushroom swiss double *drool n neoprint *erk. if they want it that bad..
leaping lilacs.

cloth frays but can be mended

mugged today with ahfoo n mun joined us for a while.. she was kinda upset. but the rain blew over and she was all happy again. the power of sms. haha. but while she was there we kept talking n kinda ignored jon.. feel abit bad. den saw the hockey girls at the 2nd level near the hall. aye i dunno, sometimes i feel we get abit too cliquish. and when we make noise together our presence seems too loud, too flamboyant, too in-your-face-offensive. almost. at least we dont resort to any illmeaning gansterism. hm. at least.
sometimes cliques give you so much belonging n just hooking onto the niche of comfort makes u lazy n loathe to find other..uh..hooks. then sometimes the clothing gets dislodged, or the cloth frays, and you're just the odd piece of string sticking out, superficially apparently part of the wholesome clothed idea..but really and privately only hiding in its shadow. sometimes its like that. sometimes im part of the whole woven fabric.
drab grays spill over into the hollow expanse and invade the vacuum.
cant wait for promos to be over. i love life at the moment. i love God.
i want to want to want to love You more each day O Lord.

today is tuesday.

(: waves. today school was decent. there was rolly lecture on ancient russia (okayy not that old but 1890s is old enough.) n math lecture.. (where kong became a soi-disant (failed)joke-teller) n sowden went through our lecture case study test (as usual its more efficient if we all mark it ourselves, n so we did- he has never marked a single one of our test scripts.) had double break and sat in a horseshoe for bloatedbeerbellybooth while grps presented issues on education. then i mugged with jonfoo n was irritated the whole way by dearoldbuddy. *groan. glare. these 3 weeks are gonna be muggertude. where i start revising work dating back to the dusty shelves of the third week of school 2004. pw reports due on fri/mon, interview with tns on wed, sarah's bday on thurs. (: i miss hockey. it has been so long since i grappled with the stick- ive forgotten the reverse hit. uh oh. not good news. am gonna mug econs after this AHHH! dahsyat means terrible according to amii! hannibal i have another reason to skewer you!! blasphemy! oh man. am so gonna CHANGE it!

the discipline of movement

mmm surprisingly i am posting quite regularly these days. today was a good day God is Awesome (: [edit: DAHSYAT means horrible!..? ahh!!] we played ultimate frisbee during pe- good senseless fun even though our class lost every round there was to lose.. ahaha tmr im staying back in school to study. hrmp. and i found a co-ogl! :D thank God quite happy. hopefully this blissful state persists.
i kinda miss bio, and rgs, n home econs, n orientation. [pangs of remembrance] tomorrow is the day to mug. and so is the day after. the recce trip to malacca this sunday is cancelled, for better or worse. :/ went swimming today, cos i was kinda irritated. destress. swam 16 laps. hmm. so on top of the rounds on the track i did with belle [albeit at slowerthansnails'pace. could feel the earth move.] its a pretty decent record (:

ahh the bliss of physical labour- quoteunquote robbered frossed, and its coaxing ability to entangle my mind n lose the feel of my feet. how enchanting. there are many things to forget.


so i remember. ogle

garish

the blood flowers are frozen/ the fields empty and cold. no the children don't grow old, they dont.

the old man coughed spasmically behind me on the bus,
chortling cartfuls of coughs and sputters grinding into the air behind my head
if everything could stop once and end then
i want it to pause at that foolish mistake
so i can always revel
and never have to regret it.

the breeze is the smooth caress of a thousand whispers. blow by me.

fridays pass too quickly

i realise the oldest blog entry on this page and the newest have a 1 month historic cliff between them. ive not mugged enough this week. really feeling the strain now. everyone i talk to ask if i've been mugging this hols pwack. crap. thursday pw followed by outing with girls cell (it was fun!) today went out with kids cell. actually it was leo n nelson n cherie and only 2 kids des n nic. cos the girls played us out! again!! shoot. i was kinda miffed. its not the first time, and they dont have the decency or responsibility to tell us earlier that they cant make it, and when we leave the door they come up with all sorts of excuses and notices that they cant grace us with their prestigious presence. crack. but theyre kids, kids. cant expect too much from them.
clinique simple smells mm mm great. its not overly gaggingly floral nor minty nor colognish. this week has well and truly been a holiday- and guess what? sept hols are not supposed to be holidays. humour me.

replyreply.

found!!

religion is man carrying God. faith is God carrying man.


strength is weakness is strength.
all the maxims. that strangely make sense. today was the first day of youth service saturday service! it rocked. worship really ministered to me.. may it be a sweet sweet sound in Your ear

God is good. Sweet Anointing. Wash me over.

i was lost but now am found. i believe Lord, take away my unbelief. sweep away my cynicism.


When you're down and troubled and you need a helping hand
and nothing, nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of meand soon I will be there
to brighten up even your darkest nights.
You just call out my name,and you know whereever I am
I'll come running, oh yeah babyto see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,all you have to do is call
and I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.You've got a friend.
If the sky above youshould turn dark and full of clouds
and that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
and soon I will be knocking upon your door.You just call out my name and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
all you got to do is calland I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend?
People can be so cold.They'll hurt you and desert you.
Well they'll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don't you let them.
cos you've got a friend in me.

riot.

partly due to some skin allergy and largely because of my lethargy i stayed home today. and spent 5 hours doing the stupid time wasting imperialism essay. i love spending time with God. i have been estranged from him for too long, just delving into the worldly world thinking of myself my failures my successes and now.. there's something else to reclaim! the part of me ive lost so long ago. im not sure if i mean what im saying. i wonder how many people feel depressed about the things that clutter up their lives now. n not realise that sometimes clutter is better than void, than empty. saw a video about the poor and desolate in Asia. they dont have money for food. so the infants are fed rice water. in vietnam so many kids have lost their limbs and their parents and their homes, they dont know what life is about except scavenging poisonous decomposing rubbish heaps for things to eat. school is far off from their minds when basic sustenance is a daily battle. so its better to be embroiled by the pressures of school than not to know what school entails, not have any use for abcs, yes. unbelievably so. why am i so pensive? why do i have to keep questioning? so what if im pensive. oh dear. i am confused, arent i?

space does not afford quiet,

and dripping time does not soothe

nothing to calm or cool the riot

to silence the clutter of the scraping chair

to mask the despair of a lone scream.

the stuttering rifle's rapid rattle.