life is difficult.

it has been such a long day. i am worn down, worn out, spread thin. i am so exhausted.
who says the day after exams is a good day, huh?
quarreled with mum today. the inevitable split. i knew it had to come. and having come, i dont doubt there's gonna be a second tear, sometime. i gouging into raw flesh, an incision into a searing scar. but not anytime soon please, i have no strength.

then i missed the berkeley app deadline. and there're mistakes in it. and it cost 70$US. so i really pray they will be lenient and let me in, i so do not want to waste dad's money. you know, they say we shouldnt be materialistic right? but i find now that i want to make money. its not consuming me, but its not true that money doesnt matter, ok? i need to pay my parents back. i'll be blowing some like 1000 THIS DECEMBER ALONE. i need to pay dad back. urgh. i am so tired. God seems so far away, out of reach.

and the worst thing is, a leader has got to have God in sight, all the time. i am so weak. please God, show yourself through my weakness. i'm leading worship for junior camp some morning. i need to choose appropriate songs, i need to flow in the Spirit, i need you God. now more than ever.

a vanquished, nerve wrecked, soul.

i have nobody to watch harry potter with, and no time to watch it with anybody.
what's keeping me from collapsing? i really dont know. i have no time for myself. it's dad's bday this saturday. i havent touched SATs preparation. i am so tired, tired, tired. of life, of everything. so much for stability, for rockhard solidness. there can be no rock hard stability with no rock hard certainties, can there? yeah sure, God is diamond hard, flint hard. Let me feel your absoluteness God, let me perceive it, let me live it.