memories torn at the seam

The Armada- Brian Patten

Long, long ago
when everything I was told was believable
and the little I knew was less limited than now,
I stretched belly down on the grass beside a pond
and to the far bank launched a child's armada.

A broken fortress of twigs,
the paper-tissue sails of galleons,
the waterlogged branches of submarines -
all came to ruin and were on flame
in that dusk-red pond.

And you, mother, stood behind me,
impatient to be going,
old at twenty-three, alone,
thin overcoat flapping.

How closely the past shadows us.
In a hospital a mile or so from that pond
I kneel beside your bed and, closing my eyes,
reach out across forty years to touch once more
that pond's cool surface,
and it is your cool skin I'm touching;
for as on a pond a child's paper boat
was blown out of reach
by the smallest gust of wind,
so too have you been blown out of reach
by the smallest whisper of death,
and a childhood memory is sharpened,
and the heart burns as that armada burnt,
long, long ago.
---


the heavy memory-ridden door is silently slammed shut.
no matter how i push it away

from me, the outside flows in, my insides seep out, unceasingly.

perhaps it is because i am half-willed, weak-kneed
in the pushing away,

i want you to stay,
but the planes have schedules to run on
you have laurels to run for
so i let the revolving door run me backwards behind the glass.
maybe next time it swivels, i'll see you again.