muteness

"diaries are records not of fullness, but of emptiness."
and i agree absolutely. the reason i do not write, is not because my mind's a blank. far from it, it is too full i do not know how to unload it, and i can't actually, really, unload, unwind, unleash. there aren't enough ears and there aren't enough words and i aint enough trust.
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somehow the most precious thing i could give to a friend is not hugs or sweets or advice, but trust. because it comes so rarely with me, my inner clockwork mechanisms run on suspicion or guardedness or something. trust dont come easy. now i sound like scrooge on a hypersensitive, excessive paranoia homerun, but arent you wary, too? guess im just made like that. ive always had a few close friends rather than a heapload of hibye acquaintances, and secrets are secrets kept for life. and i get irritated when people tell me to keep secrets and i keep them for years only to find they went around telling their secrets to other people themselves hahaha. prfft. bummer. but i digress. why TELL when others cant understand, cos they cant see that specific angle of things which only you in your unusual position among friendships stand, why be honest when itll hurt or confuse others and not help yourself? and thats the reason for the silence. all the thoughts jamming up the machine and not given utterance.
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i'd much prefer writing in verse,
cos i can be honest in the cryptic-ness of it.
and honesty is very important, when opportunities to be so are so rare.
and you should always be honest with yourself.
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choice is such a difficult thing, because it never ever comes alone.
first, memory and experience are baggages of the past that unpack themselves very slowly, so they tend to tag along.
next, there's responsibility and expectation that weigh on your neck and prod you this way and that.
third, choice is a string knotted at two ends, in the heart and in the mind, and the weight on the string jerks up and down in an unpredictable flux.
fourth, choice mates with fear when the future is unknown- fear of regret, fear of not knowing.
but choice also hooks up with faith for the Believing because that unknown future necessitates it- and faith and fear collide like disoriented, slippery fish in the ocean.
so you see, choice is such a big thing coupled with other things imposed on one space, ONE position to fill. (thus arises the concept of opportunity cost)
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i wish i could cut the chase and just SPEAK SIMPLE UNDERSTANDABLE WORDS but i cant i cant i cant.