2017. The Thing.

Wow. Not a single post in 2016.

I was contemplating starting a new blog somewhere, lost in the Internet of things, unsearchable. Then I remembered there was this space.

And in light of 2017 - fraught with new anxieties, new hopes, the turmoil that is an existential crisis - I have decided to continue this blog, daily. To resolve, to complete, to push myself further. Rather than to open a new box of candy, and leave it rootless, endless, abandoned.

I have many abandoned children. They are thoughts, lying tangled in a box - strings that are half unfurled, undone, knots that lie untied.

Questions of: what am I doing, really? Who am I? What is the ultimate vision I want to pursue? Where do I exert my will, energies, focus? What is this end goal I need to hone into?

Is it in writing? Becoming a fiction writer?
Is it in art? Honing my photographic skills, creating a photographic travel commentary?
Is it in design? Hustling for jobs and partnerships to grow this practice?
Is it in missions? Doing the community some good, building the kingdom?

2016 - God laid it out for me. I spent March to December finishing up the tasks he literally placed into my plate in February. 9 months. It was easy, compared to the start of this year. This year he doesn't seem to want to do the plating. But what will he have me do? Firstly, stop meandering.
I am frustrated for many reasons, but chiefly because there is a sense of an unarticulated vision.
Without vision, people perish. That is painfully true. I feel it in my bones.

I CAN pursue many things, but not all things. I believe if I set it out - I can find ways, with God's favour, to accomplish them. But the hardest thing ever is to SET IT OUT. To sketch the outlines, the shape, mass, form of what this Thing is. This next season of my life - this next chapter. It seems pivotal, epic, almost. Jesus started his ministry when he was 30. Here I'm doing a freak out. When maybe his was somewhere on a mountain with God, alone, before the sky turned light.

Maybe He had a freak out there. Maybe in his freak out he heard a voice say - You are my Son. Boom.

I need that boom. Because the Thing is not just a thing. It is closely and inseparably tied, in the deepest of places, with my identity. Yeah yeah, my identity is in Jesus. I am a daughter of God. But He also prepared good works in advance for us to walk in them, right? What you want, you have to go get. There is a co-walking involved; and I don't think this existential crisis is a bad thing. In fact it is essential to anyone who wants to lead a life that makes sense. That has purpose. It is asking yourself the big questions that nobody has answers to, that nobody can find except you - that causes the freak out. And not asking them doesn't solve anything. It doesn't do you any favours. Coasting along doesn't ANSWER anyone. And Coasting Along seems to have been the tagline for 2016.

I had a taste of what it was like to start a company. Wow, entrepreneur. To finish 2 high profile projects that were featured in the newspapers. To have my name and quote appear in the newspaper.
Hah. So. what.

I am grateful. This is not a lack of appreciation for the insane opportunities that have been given. I have said THANK YOU GOD countless of times, in private and public. This is about the next page. This is about resolving and finding the ends of the string balls that have gotten all knotted and tangled. And tidying the mess that is in my soul - the unanswered questions about what my deep gutted core purpose in life IS.

GOD HELP ME.