altruism

relatives are over at my house now. wonder why people organise family REunions when they are so unhappy organising it. this house didnt get any peace since 12am when the cook started. wonder why people bother reuniting if its only a once a year formality, and we hardly know each other, and we make lame, limp comments like -

whoa! you're grown so tall.
silence.
why you so tanned? tennis?
ah. hockey.?
silence.
uh. are you in university now?
oh. jc.. ah. i see.
hrmm.
silence.
which one?

painful conversation, even more painful than the silences between the sparse talk.
rather like a harold pinter play, isnt it? with all the pronounced silences in between, and the fanfare farce. have an essay to rush out by tonight, the one that was due. uhm. 3 weeks ago. but my class is good at getting extensions. my teacher good at giving them. :] we are lazy businessmen in delayed exchanges, dreading the necessary. had a bbq at my plc on sat, class party on friday, gerry-jac-yingyi's hse on sat, stayed home today.

P-a-r-t-y. its a kinda flossy word with lots of sugared air in it and no substance, isnt it? we all look forward to it, then it comes and goes, and goes. sometimes its as though we go there seeking entertainment, especially in parties where you're not close to the people, you go there for yourself, to be seen. to see. that's hardly about people, about relationships, its about self.

i'm not complaining, parties can be fun. and all that jazz. just thinking, o k a y ?

Altruism

What if we got outside ourselves and there
really was an outside out there, not just
our insides turned inside out? What if there
really were a you beyond me, not just
the waves off my own fire, like those waves off
the backyard grill you can see the next yard through,
though not well -- just enough to know that off
to the right belongs to someone else, not you.
What if, when we said I love you, there were
a you to love as there is a yard beyond
to walk past the grill and get to? To endure
the endless walk through the self, knowing through a bond
that has no basis (for ourselves are all we know)
is altruism: not giving, but coming to know
someone is there through the wavy vision
of the self's heat, love become a decision.

Molly Peacock.

how very, stingingly, true.
cheers, its chinese new year.