vulgar distress

i have resolved to keep my worlds separate. i believe i have never felt so alone. this whole week has just been shaky, rocky for me. why do i have this lingering notion that after a high, there's gonna be a drop, gotta be one. cos its been proven true time and time again. i was so happy with woh woh.. and that whole lot. and i go back to school, to study.. and face my sometimes superficial friends. arhg. i dont wanna be unkind, or ungrateful, ok? they are nice people. they.. are fun to hang out with. maybe im being sensitive or something- the three of us are the closer ones in class, and everyone knows that three's a crowd. It is. the thing is, i dont feel comfortable around them, im not free to be myself. im just different i guess. sometimes i wish i could have started all over, with a different clique at the start of the year, a different image, a different sense of humour, a different life, maybe. its real childish, and im partly ashamed to confess it. but its natural isnt it? to feel like u dont fit in, dont gel- with the crew. just a tag along. just dispensable, like i told cherie. and what they do dont help much.

like yesterday- we were studying at the tables outside class, and they just left separately to the classroom to eat or talk or study or whatever. and so i was left sitting there with mun- who was with her 'partner'- and i found myself, once again, in the awkward company of three. then She came out after a long while to take some stuff- said laughingly- we were saying 'we always leave feli around- either behind, or outside. hah. ' then she said in passing- we're in [class]13A.
whoa, thanks man! i really appreciate it. its a whole joke right? part of me screams in frustration, flounders in rejection, and another part chides i dont have to take them seriously- i dont need friends like that. and they have no idea how hurt, how angered, i am by what they carelessly say and do. i just contacted cherie and fiona and went to join them. and i didnt bother saying bye to them in 13A. enough is enough. today, she handed me the Peer Evaluation forms for university reference. im supposed to get two friends to fill it up for me. she said 'get two people to fill this up for you, if you have any friends.'

why is this bothering me now?? come on, right? its like a primary school thing. i should be open-minded, independent and all that jazz. but dont be daft, alright? we all need people. i havent got the people, no- ive got the wrong people. i need real, trustable, dependable, soulmates. i have decided to keep away from them as much as possible the rest of this year- the distance helps me keep things in perspective, helps me steer clear of the knife's edge.

god i hate them.

and i dont need sympathy. despite what i say i know i cant keep my distance for too long without going soft and relenting. without opening myself to their company again. i dread that coming. comments like 'oh no, so poor thing' or 'aiyah they dont mean it' or 'dont be so sensitive' dont help, ok? they are meaningless to me, they simplify things to the point of obscuring life's complexity- some of life's greatest problems are those encountered as children i believe.

like 1. sharing things 2. choosing friends 3. respecting authority 4. jealousy

the children bring out what we stifle, in tear-drained pillows, into the sweeping open.

my world shall be separate. the person my schoolmates know, the person my family knows, the person my churchmates know [that is closest to the person i know] - they are all different. and intruding on any of those worlds, any overlap, causes misery and confusion.

i am alone, i am looking for God, i am in vulgar distress- only for a moment.